Sunday, April 14, 2013

Useful Facts by Caleb Warren

1. Chocolate syrup is not made, but is actually just cocoa in its purest form. We get it by drilling near large patches of cocoa bean plants. It is then refined and bottled.

2. The trilogy of Star Wars prequels was actually just 20th Century Fox’s decade-spanning April Fool’s joke on the rest of us.

3. Literally no one actually enjoys watching golf. Anonymous studies have proven this.

4. James Franco is not a bad actor, he’s actually just been asleep since 2002.

5. Apart from humans, dolphins are the only species known to be able to grow mustaches, but they shave them because dolphins are very self conscious.

6. There’s no such thing as reindeer, just really fancy regular deer.

7. Blind people smile when they’re happy, despite never having seen anyone else do so. Blind people also know how ridiculous you look when you do duck face.

8. Although many point to The Sopranos or Arrested Development as the best television series of all time, a newly developed algorithm has determined that the greatest tv show ever was actually Mental, a Fox medical drama that ran for eight episodes in 2009 and focused on a British psychiatrist who doesn’t play by the hospital’s precious rules.

9. Life used to be a musical; in Eden, Adam and Eve would often break into song, complete with choreography that they and all the animals inherently knew. This aspect of human life was in The Fall.

10. No one ever spoke Latin. Its a myth made up by academics to make themselves sound smarter when they use it in emails.

11. Navy blazers are so 1990s. You look absurd.

12. Iguanas are chameleons that aren’t trying hard enough.

13. If you’re in a hot tub with a cigarette you can get lung cancer even if you don’t smoke it.

14. Even owls are over the owl jewelry trend.

15. All celebrities are part of a secret cabal bent on taking over the world. There is no escape.

16. If you’re writing a play and need a monologue for a heartless villain character, go pick out anything said by one of the protagonists in Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. It’s just what you’re looking for.

17. Global warming is God punishing us for letting Two and Half Men run for this long.

18. Superheroes are real, they’re all just really lazy.

19. Clocks spin counterclockwise in Australia.

20. The harp is the easiest instrument to play. It’s just a bunch of strings that you pluck and strum.

21. The title of this post is a lie, there’s actually 21 useful facts here, including this one.

1 comment:

  1. Your labels are woefully inadequate. #British, #harp, #jewelry, #blind, #fancyregulardeer