Thursday, March 28, 2013

Alternate Endings to Disney Movies by Caleb Warren

Beauty and the Beast
I know Sweden’s not a proper country yet in Belle’s timeline, but she’s got some severe Stockholm Syndrome going on. In a less creepy version of the story, our heroine takes that mirror, waits ‘til the Beast turns around, and knocks him out cold with the magic looking-glass that’s probably worth a ride home to any passing truck driver (or whatever the contemporary equivalent would’ve been). Belle goes home and uses the money her dad is now raking in via that awesome wood-chopping machine and opens her own bookstore in town. Because the owner of the library has zero business sense, giving away books to any girl who comes in and abuses his rolling ladder, it’s easy to put him out of business. Beast never learns to love, and stays that way forever, but channels his sorrow into a promising def jam poetry career. Belle makes enough money to leave town, entrusting the store to whichever two blonde bimbettes Gaston doesn’t marry, and finally sees the world, maybe meeting a guy who doesn’t keep her prisoner in a creepy castle.

Rapunzel realizes she’s living in an Aryan nation because literally every person in her kingdom is Caucasian, despite living in a non-era-specific fantasy world. Once she’s in charge she and Flynn put a stop to the oppression.

The prince comes to see if the shoe Cindy left behind fits her, which it doesn’t, hence it falling off as she ran away from the ball. He marries one of the stepsisters. Instead, Cinderella gets an apprenticeship with her fairy godmother and starts a viable career in magic. She eventually gets the other stepsister married off, and since she’s single she inherits the estate by default when Lady Tremaine dies. She then turns Jaq into a human and marries him (because he’s way cooler than the prince), and they live happily ever after.

Sleeping Beauty
Aurora wakes up to a guy she barely knows kissing her. She lawyers up and sues him for harassment, finds a husband who’s not a total creep, and lives a quiet life with her family. Her fairy "aunts" decide that their true calling is fashion design, and they start a privately-owned boutique in a nearby village that really takes off. Maleficent is not killed, but is reduced to doing her dragon bit at children's birthday parties.

Jane exposes Tarzan for the fraud he is because no one who’s never spoke anything beyond monkey grunts can learn English that quickly. He’s impressed that she saw through him, and they fall in love and get married anyway, moving back to England to become the couple from The Mummy movies. After Kerchak’s death, the other males fight for supremacy, but Kala takes advantage of their distraction and becomes the new leader. Terk decides she’s not going to ignore Tantor’s crippling germaphobia like everyone else in his life and gets him though it.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Right before trying to kill Snow White, the queen realizes it would probably be simpler just to use that uglification spell on Snow, making queenie the fairest of them all. A now not-so-pleasant-looking Snow lives out her days with her seven best friends, and gets Grumpy a counselor to help with his depression. They break Dopey of his opium addiction, and Sneezy dies of the Black Lung. At the funeral, that random prince from nowhere shows up thinking he’ll wake up Snow, but instead finds Sneezy and moves on, confused.

The Little Mermaid
Ariel marries Eric, and Ursula realizes all her anger was the result of unresolved romantic feelings for King Triton. She marries the king, becoming Ariel’s stepmother. Ursula goes on to take some much-needed anger management courses, and accepts an offer to be the celebrity spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Flounder finally tells Sebastian that everyone knows his accent his fake.

The same as the movie, but with more songs!


  1. Are we voting? I vote for Tarzan!

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Jaq was a total boss.

  3. Ah loved every one of these! And omg, when I saw Mulan was listed in here, I was like: "No! She's already perfect!" And you were like: "More songs only" Beautiful...