Thursday, April 4, 2013

Gluten: The Silent Killer by Caleb Warren

Conventional wisdom tells us that as long as we keep things from over-running our lives, there’s no harm. “Everything in moderation,” says your weird second cousin as she finishes off her eighth alcoholic beverage of the evening at your family reunion. Conventional wisdom says everything in moderation, but who decides what conventional wisdom is? The tyrannical Gluten Lobby, that’s who.
Gluten is by far the most deadly substance on this great planet of ours, despite the fact that people eat tons of it every day and aren’t dying en masse as you’d think they would, eating as much of the poison as they do. Go ahead and criticize me all you want. Point out that it’s a “fad diet” and that I “didn’t have a gluten allergy until after like twelve celebrities did.” I pity you. You’re so dependent on that mutant man-made substance you chow down on three times a day that you can’t see what it’s doing to you. It’s killing you. You are being killed by the artificial ingredients in that bread. Hmm? Oh, this? It’s a diet coke, what of it? Don’t get off-topic.
Did you know that gluten has been kind of sort of linked to jaw problems in elderlies? Or that eating too much of it can cause you to gain weight? I know, it’s shocking stuff. I don’t why you haven’t already put down that bagel. You know who else ate gluten? Hitler. Stop laughing at me. I’ll be the one laughing when we’re 90 and I’m still jogging every morning because of all the gluten I didn’t eat, and you’re sitting at home watching reruns of Modern Family, which by then will be one of those weird 50-year-old shows that only old people watch. But not me. (Because of the gluten thing.)
Fad diets are laughable, I agree, but that’s not what this is. I have an allergy, and so do you. So does everybody. Gluten is unnatural, and I don’t want it anywhere near my food. (I mean, where would you even put it? There’s no room on plate here because of all the blue Jell-O next to my hot-dogs, both of which are totally acceptable, as long as there’s no gluten involved.)
Not convinced? How about some facts: once gluten gets in your body, it starts spontaneously combusting, literally burning up your digestive tract. What’s left of it after that begins doing all sorts of bad stuff like slowing your heart, driving up your cholesterol, shutting down your kidneys, and causing plummeting real estate values. You can avoid all this by going g-free, which is something I say because I’m hip. (Not a fad diet.)
Some more facts: people who don’t eat gluten are up to three times more likely to live to 100, not experience hair loss, and get better parking spaces at the grocery store. Who wouldn’t want all that? Giving up gluten seems like a small price to pay.
And with science and stuff, there’s tons to g-free substitutes for things that you thought you’d have to give up. Want pizza? This crust is made from milk, eggs, and fiber glass. Nary a trace of flour here! Brownies? This recipe says you can just replace the flour with tons more cocoa and sugar. But they’re super healthy, because no gluten. Hamburger buns? Instead, try putting a beef patty in between two very large makeup sponges. You’ll never know the difference!
So with all these reasons to go gluten free, you really have no choice. Put down the gluten-filled cookie, and come try some of our delicious rice cakes (now 5% less reminiscent of crumbling concrete!). You too can be g-free if you want to. And really, who wouldn’t?

1 comment:

  1. When they get it to 10% less reminiscent of crumbling concrete, I'm in.