Friday, April 5, 2013

The Slippery Slope of Dietary Equality by Caleb Warren

The United States of America is a melting pot country. We’ve always been a nation made up of a myriad of different racial and social groups. There has been dark periods in our history, to be sure, but in recent years the country has become more generally inclusive of all types of alternative lifestyles, but at what cost? Shouldn’t we, as Americans, be protecting the moral code upon which our country was built? Is there a point at which our good-intentioned commitment to equality and open-mindedness actually leads down a road that will make us as bankrupt morally as we are financially?
Vampires, y’all. They walk among us, and sure, I’m all for people having the right to do whatever they want to do, but sucking the blood of good, hard-working Americans is where I draw the line. It’s typical these days to turn on the television and see any number of celebrities preaching at us about “embracing” this oppressed group of monsters, but I can’t help but wonder where we go after we give the vampires equal rights. What’s next for this country?
All killers may not be vampires, but I remain convinced that all vampires are killers. They survive on the sustenance of our blood, hello. How do you think they get it? They live a corrupt, unnatural lifestyle and they hurt other people to do it. If they would just live normally like the rest of us, we wouldn’t have a problem. Be whatever you want to be in your own house, but if you really want to be accepted by society, maybe you should just act like the rest of us. Stop being a vampire, and we can all be happy.
It’s not that I’m a bigoted person, it’s just that being vampiric goes against all the laws of nature and man. Why would you want to be that way? Just eat normal food. Now sure, we all hear stories from lamestream media about how some vampires are good people who get their blood from hospitals, and not by killing people, but do any of us actually buy that nonsense? I hope not. These people need to be driven out. It’s unnatural, is all I’m saying. Just look at the story of the Creation, God gave Adam life, not death. Death came as a result of the Fall, but now we’re supposed to welcome these dead people with open arms simply because they have a condition that keeps them preserved and sentient? No thank you, I’m an American. If you want to be included in spite of your demonic life choices, maybe try Canada.
If we grant rights to vampires, even just to the ones who don’t hurt other people (as if those exist), we run the risk of sending the wrong message. What are we saying to the other, arguably worse types of demons out there? That’s it’s okay if you’re a werewolf? That no matter how zombified you are, it’s cool as long as you’re a nice person? I’m not okay with this lapse in judgment, and neither should you be. This is important. Stop this wretched “dietary equality” business. (If you ask me, we already too equal with people’s chosen diets, letting vegetarians eat out in the open and whatnot, but that’s for another time.)
Vampires, you will never be welcome in this country as long as you keep insisting on having a digestive system that only responds to blood. (Honestly, only blood, really? Who’s closed-minded now?) Keep your alternative tendencies to yourself, and stop asking the rest of the world to be okay with the way you eat. I’m not a bigot, but you should really just leave or go somewhere else where they’re okay with degrading social values.

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