Monday, March 10, 2014

Just Be Taller by Timothy Warren

These days, it is common for one to stumble across a short person (4' 11"-5' 5") from time to time. I, myself, tend to get a wee bit agitated at this. Some even take their anger out on their smaller counter parts. While this is frowned upon in most societies, here is my little bit of wisdom as to why this is not only understandable, but also quite healthy:

1. You could trip on a short person, and hurt yourself severely.
 In the event that you do, in fact, trip on someone of shorter stature than yourself, it could result in thousands of dollars in medical bills and law suits. I don't think any of us wants to have to deal with all that, now would we? I find it is best to always be on the look out for them, so as to decide whether or not punting them would be worth the trouble/laughs that it would produce.

 2. Shorter people will have lower body temperatures, giving them attitudes.
 Being closer to the ground, and considering the scientific fact that heat rises, it  results in the conclusion that shorter people must have lower body temperatures! This can only mean that they have a colder heart and an evil nature. The Bible says that demons are evil. Take this information, and do with it what you will.

 3. Napoleon Bonaparte
He was short. And he killed a lot of people. So... That's bad.

4.  They're short. They have it coming.
They can't reach stuff! They just can't! The length of their torsos, combined with the length of their arms and legs results in them just standing on their tippy-toes with their hands raised. This could easily be mistaken as them volunteering to be punted.

5. Just be taller! 
 This one goes out to all my shawties. Just be taller! Is it really that hard? I can't imagine being so unwilling to catch up with the rest of us and be able to reach things! Picture it... You're walking through a grocery store and you see a nice little bag of gummy bears on the top shelf. You can't resist. Your first instinct is to ask for help. Then, you feel it. The will to be better. To be...taller... I can tell you from experience that it comes with many more advantages.

If you have made it this far in, you can see that I have no definitive stance on this subject. I merely wish to give some food for thought to all of my tall friends who are clearly better than my short friends, due to them being taller. If you enjoyed this article, then I am honored that you took the time to read this. If you did not enjoy it, then you'll probably have to jump and wave to get my attention (disclaimer: I may take that as you volunteering to be punted).

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