The Thought Process of Every Other Driver by Caleb Warren

Hello, I’m every other driver on the road. You may know me from slowing you down on your to work, zooming around you in a no pass zone because I’m so impatient, or taking part of your allotted parking space at the grocery store because I’ve got to be the most inconsiderate person alive.

The speed limit is 50 now, yes? That won’t do; much too fast for a lazy Tuesday morning like this one. No, 40 seems much more manageable for both of us. Keep in mind: I’m helping you too here. Who are you going to trust in this situation? The speed limit signs? You know who puts those up? The government. The same government who, as you may have learned reading the bumper stickers on my car, are either killing all the precious animals who don’t have the legal rights they deserve, bending to pressure from Hollywood to ban Christianity forever, or are secretly trying to advance the Muslim agenda on the hallowed ground of these United States. Whatever the case may be, they can’t be trusted, but I can. I’ve got it figured out. Just look at my bumper stickers. 40 is better for all of us involved.

Oh look, you passed me. Just when I thought we were getting along. But see, now the speed limit has dropped to 45, so I’ve decided that actually, I’d rather be done with this whole driving business, thanks. 60 mph! You don’t want to go 60? No problem; I’ll tailgate you. This six-inch space between our vehicles is quite comfortable, isn’t it? I notice you don’t have any bumper stickers. I’d happily share some of mine if you want. Oh, I’m turning now and you’re not. Oh well, I’ll see you later!

Oh hey! I see you there across the intersection! Remember me, from earlier? Yeah, I see that you have the right-of-way, and that’s cool and I totally respect it. But at the same time, we’re such good friends that you’re okay if I turn out in front of you first, right? I mean, what good are brakes if you never have to use them? Yikes, those sound screechy. You should get them looked at.

Oh, by the by, I’m gonna need to change lanes like RIGHT NOW! But don’t do anything rash, because I’ve got a ‘baby on board’ sign, so that means you can’t hit me even when I’m totally being irresponsible. You’d think having a baby on board would make me more cautious.

It’s not just the baby though, I’ve got a bunch of kids. You want to know how many? Of course you do. Just count the little fish outlines on the back of my car. They’re right there, underneath the “Who Rescued Who?” paw-print bumper sticker. What do you mean that’s grammatically incorrect? I don’t care; it’s shaped like a paw-print! Oh, and I need back in your lane like now.

Hey, could you let me know when this light turns green? I have to send this really important text to my daughter’s school. As you can tell from the decal on my back window, she’s on the baton-twirling team, and her name is a pretty common one, but with an “y” thrown in there somewhere. Also, meat is murder. Okay yes, I realize it’s green and I have to go forward before you can turn left here, but I’m almost done texting, I promise! Oh, and I totally forgot, but I’m also turning here right now! I’m sure your blinker counts for both us; everyone knows what great friends we are.

Wait, hold the phones, stop the presses, do we go to the same bank? Small world! Look there, it’s fate: we’re pulling in right now and there are only two parking spots left in the whole lot, right next to each other! That’s lucky, because two is exactly the number of parking spots I need. I paid a lot of money for this car, you know, I don’t want bad drivers (I’m sure you know the type) scratching it up. Good luck finding a place to park here, cause let me tell you, it is crowd-ed. Should I hold you a space in line? Oh you’re leaving? So soon? You haven’t even gone into the bank yet. I can’t tell what you’re shouting at me, but same to you, I’m sure!

Later, best friend! Thanks for the great time!