My Post That Is Not About Books By Christina Barron

For this blog assignment, I was supposed to write about books. Caleb Wright made the assignments.  I don't really know why, because its a well known fact that I don't really do any pleasure reading because I'm dyslexic, and physically reading and comprehending what I'm reading is an extremely time consuming and joy killing experience, and therefore I don't really read anything unless its for school. So here's a blog post of random stuff that isn't books. And by random stuff, I mean adorable pictures of my favorite baby animal: kittens.

PS -  I'm aware that there are a lot of people out there who do not identify as cat enthusiasts. If you do happen to identify as one of those lonely people, let's be honest, these pictures did make you smile!

Three Hilarious Books To Read over Spring Break-By Sydney Quanz

      It's no secret that nothing kills the desire to read quicker than the slow, depressing pressure of schoolwork. Luckily, Spring break is right around the corner, and that seven day gap of schools bliss leaves room for precious reading time. For the student who are hoping for the perfect book to read this  March, I have compiled a list of the funniest, most laugh inducing book's to provide some stress free reading during break!

1. The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride is the ultimate book, in my opinion. It has a princess, pirates, an evil king, giants and Spaniard all in one book.  Many people have seen the movie, which is also quite excellent, but there is a certain charm in the novel that the screen just could not capture. The Princess Bride is the story of one of the most beautiful women in the world, Buttercup, who finds love in the last place she suspected.  The best part of the book, however, is the author’s commentary. William Goldman takes on a character in his own book, the story of an author who desperately want to make a connection with his son He does so by bringing out the book his father used to read him, but soon discovers that his father left out most of the book’s boring parts. The Princess Bride is therefore, the “abridged version” of the original, and is littered with the hilarious commentary of Goldman as he leaves out the more ridiculous passages of the story.

2. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is also known more commonly for its movie than for the hilarious literary feat accomplished by Douglas Adam’s. This follows the story of Arthur, a common earthling who is dealing with his earthling problems, when his new friend, Ford Prefect, sweeps him up into an intergalactic journey. As they travel across the galaxy they meet new alien friends, including a two-headed President, a depressed robot and a runaway earthling. The Heart of Gold, their ship, travels in a way that causes the most improbable things to happen to our travelers, which cause us to discover some alarming truths about the universe, and stumble across some incredibly random occurrences. What makes this book so charming is that it is incredibly bizarre in every way imaginable, often causing the reader to reread the same paragraph several times over to confirm that a sperm whale did indeed just pop into existence in the middle of space and yes, dolphins are equally as intelligent as humans. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy is filled to the brim with British wit and startling plot points that will keep anyone occupied.

3. Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Rick Riordan is not my favorite author, but his first series is golden. It is filled with unexpected twisted and loveable characters. However, my favorite part of his series is the hilarity that comes from his excellent phrasing and unexpected circumstance. His novels don’t take themselves too seriously, but instead put age-old monsters and myths into modern day times, displaying for the reader situations like the fates trying to drive a taxi, and three demi-gods making friends with a hell-hound. For those who haven't already enjoyed this journey, this series is a must read.

The Twilight Saga: Noon (Book 5) Review by Mikayla Halsell

As most of you probably know, Stephanie Meyers’ Twilight Saga was one of the most popular reads of 2012. Each book had everyone (or every girl between the ages of 12 and 15) sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to see who Bella Swan would chose: Jacob, the outdoorsy-type with flawless, tan skin, an almost-too-perfect-to-be-realistic physic, and most importantly, a ware-wolf, or Edward, a porcelain-skinned vampire, who’s beauty, charm, misogyny, and mind are irresistible to other girls. In the fourth book, Bella chooses to become a vampire herself and to marry the man of her dreams. As a vampire, she would be able to spend an eternity with her “other half” now that both she and Edward are immortal.

                Of course, all of that is old news. What you may not know is that Stephanie Meyers just recently came out with her fifth book, Noon. The book doesn’t pick up where the fourth ended, but instead jumps ahead 300 years after their marriage and that little controversy among vampires and ware-wolves that was settled in the last chapter. It turns out Bella and Edward aren’t having that “happily ever after” they had planned on having. Sure, the first couple of hundred years were great, but after their 213^th anniversary, things started going downhill for this vampire couple.

In the beginning of the book, Meyers alludes to an event that happened not long after the birth of Edward and Bella’s daughter, Renesmee. She doesn’t go into much detail about it, but apparently, as a young adult, Renesmee decided that she didn’t want to marry Jacob even though he imprinted on her and she spends most of her time traveling the world, while she is followed by her helplessly in love ex-boyfriend, Jacob. So with Jacob out of the picture, Bella and Edward can just focus on their relationship without interruptions or problems. Or at least that’s what they expected. Little did they know how wrong they were.

One thing that Edward and Bella did not consider when they decided to live together as an immortal, married, vampire couple was just how long eternity is. The fifth book Noon takes the reader on a journey through a day in the life of this unique marriage. Not only are Edward and Bella completely bored with each other, but they are beginning to greatly dislike living with each other. They fight all the time, lie to each other, and sometimes even “vacation” away from each other for days at a time. The life they were dying to have is now a life they are dying to escape from. About half way through the book, Edward and Bella have their 300^th anniversary and celebrate it by making eye-contact and attempting to smile. Not really the love story so many young teenage girls were hoping to hear about.

Aside from the horrible writing, excessive details about things that are irrelevant, a terrible portrayal of morals, bland content, and an astonishing lack of substance, I think this is definitely a must read. Not only will Noon give the teenage-girl audience a little dose of reality, but it will also shatter their dreams of ever having a happy, loving marriage of their own. After all, books 1-4 fed these desperate-for-love girls a false image of the kind of man you actually want to look for to spend the rest of your life with and a false view of a genuine relationship. So by reading Noon, they will realize that that kind of love story will never really happen and is actually extremely unrealistic. Personally, I enjoyed Noon. But if you are one of those naïve teenage girls who absolutely loved the previous books and is expecting more of a love story, I would highly advice reading the fifth book. 

Bella Swan is Mentally Insane

I am part of the unfortunate many that have read all of the Twilight books. Every single one of them is a horrid example of literature at its very worst. I cannot think of something more disgustingly written, nor dare I try. Even though I am repulsed by the fact that I absorbed every last word of the treacherous series, I do not regret it. I am one of the lucky few whose hatred of the series is legitimately justified. No one can accuse me of judging a book by it’s cover, and that’s the way I like it.

Although many things about the book disturbed me, there was one thing in particular that struck me as frightening. Yes, Bella Swan is the anti-feminist. Her desire to be adored is pathetic, and the comatose state she was left in, upon her breakup with Edward, was completely appalling. However, that’s not what concerns me most about Bella.

Bella Swan seems to be mentally insane. Don’t believe me? Here are some quotes from the 6 books that I believe, prove my point quote nicely. (Get it? It’s a... pun... quite nicely... no? Okay.)

“I tried to be diplomatic. But mostly, I just lied a lot.”

“I don’t like to lie. So there better be a good reason why I’m doing it.”

Alright, this one is simple. She’s a pathological liar. He desire to be truthful and friendly is matched only by her lack of ability to do so. This is entirely unhealthy, on its own. Let alone, coupled with all the other things I’m about to show you.

“I couldn’t allow him to that this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.”

We all know Bella has Histrionic Personality Disorder. Her inability to cope without her dear Edward is frightening. But here she is acknowledging how unhealthy it is! This borders on the sociopathic, my friends.

“Non-reality was black, and it didn’t hurt so much. Reality was red, and it felt like I was being sawed in half, hit by a bus, punched by a prize fighter, trampled by bulls, and submerged in acid, all at the same time. Reality was feeling my body twist and flip when I couldn’t possibly move because of the pain. Reality was knowing there was something so much more important than all this torture, and not being able to remember what it was.”

.... I don’t even know what to say about this one... She’s definitely loony.

“I do a good job of blocking painful, unnecessary things from my memory.”

It is a widely accepted fact across the psychological community that painful things ARE necessary. The repression of hurtful memories leads to unspeakably horrific side effects, including schizophrenia (which might explain the previous quote), bipolar tendencies, and thoughts of suicide. This is not a helpful attitude. It’s not a healthy attitude.

And now, the cream of the crop:

(Bella, upon hearing for the first time that Vampires kill and eat people...)

“(That doesn’t repulse me) It sounds reasonable.)”

“I should be afraid – I knew I could be, but I couldn’t feel the right kind of fear.”

This is so beyond insane and unwise. In fact, this might actually be proof that Bella is a sociopath. Her lack of emotion has come to a point where she isn’t perturbed by or scared of the fact that her friends eat human beings.

I have nothing else to say. Is further proof really necessary?