I Have Nothing To Declare Except My Swag: The Imagined Tweets of Oscar Wilde by Caleb Warren

Oscar Wilde was a humorist for the ages. He wrote excellent plays of society, with the odd horror erotica thrown in there, but is just as well remembered for his witty platitudes and comebacks. Today, people such as him find fame or notoriety on the microblogging website Twitter. Wilde was most assuredly born in the wrong century, not the least reason of which is that he would have excelled at the chess game of snark, followers, wit, and retweets that is the Internet. Here are some things I like to think he might have tweeted, thoughts of his transposed into the dialect of Twitter. Enjoy, and feel free to contribute your own in the comments. 

@WildeBoyOscar Always forgive your haters - nothing annoys them so much.

@WildeBoyOscar Every balla has a past and every tool has a future. #respectpeople

@WildeBoyOscar When I was young I thought gettin’ paper was the most important thing in the world. Now that I’m old, I know it is.

@WildeBoyOscar No girl should be real about her age. It looks so calculating. RT “@ConstanceLloydWilde I’m 27 today!”

@WildeBoyOscar I’m so meta that sometimes I don’t even understand a single word of what I’m saying. #someta

@WildeBoyOscar There’s only one thing worse than being tweeted about, and that’s _not_ being tweeted about. #twitterfamous

@WildeBoyOscar It’s better to be hot than to be good. But better to be good than to be a total troll. #lookingatyouConstance

@WildeBoyOscar A bro can be happy with any girl as long as doesn’t love her. #truefact #springbreak

@WildeBoyOscar A dude’s face is his memoir. A girl’s face is a teen paranormal romance novel. #Constance

@WildeBoyOscar Swag is the most intense form of individualism the world has ever known. #turnmyswagon

@WildeBoyOscar A poet can survive anything but autocorrect.:/ RT “@LordAlfredDouglas: I am the live that dare not speak its gnome.”

@WildeBoyOscar I never travel without my Twitter archive. You should always have something sensational to read on the plane.

In reply to @TheRealWillShakespeare:

@WildeBoyOscar All the world’s a stage, and it’s super badly cast, Will.

@WildeBoyOscar The Internet is totes tolerant. It forgives everything but genius.

@WildeBoyOscar A bro who can’t think for himself can’t think at all.

@WildeBoyOscar You should never cheat...when you’re about to hit a triple word score. #WWF #abouttobeatJohnGray

@WildeBoyOscar A tweet is either well-written or badly written. That’s all.

@WildeBoyOscar Anyone can be good in the midwest. There aren’t any temptations there.

@WildeBoyOscar In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are hardcore trippin’. @MarquessofQueensbury